Getting Back on the Horse; Facing the Giant; Confronting my Fear; Returning to the Scene of the Crime...I'm back on the trail!

After my experience on Tuesday (10/12/10), I knew I had to go back to the trail ASAP before I created a bigger fear-monster than I could handle. My first chance was today...we went on a "moderate" trail called "Bluebonnet".  I knew I could handle this one since it was just me, Evelyn and her friend, Christen. 

My heart rate was high (from fear as much as walking fast) and I jumped at every sound, but… I DID IT!

I still can't believe the very real fear I had this week, (warranted or not) that I might be facing imminent death (this would be more from the snake than my inability to keep oxygen going to my vital organs). 

(I didn't mention in my last note or blog that the paramedics told me the reason my arms and hands went numb was because I was hyperventilating the whole way, both from fear and exhaustion. When you hyperventilate for a long period of time your body is not getting all of the oxygen it needs and begins to reserve oxygen for your vital organs. Your legs and arms will begin to go numb from this. SO WEIRD!! God created our bodies in such a cool way...glad it didn't go on too long though.)

Anyway, I am really trying to figure out what lessons I can learn from this. I think I need more time to think about it. One major thing is....I can do WAY more than I thought I could. Barring snakes, spiders and darkness, I probably could have made it back on that difficult trail...butt in hand, but completed nonetheless.  I  may be selling myself a little short.

This is one of my favorite quotes (from my quote file)... “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

~Marianne Williamson I SOO get that! At some point I did think... "...who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?"  I have always wanted to be those things. but they did not belong to me. These things were reserved for other people-anyone! Just not me. In the “About me” section of this blog, I refer to the “blonde-haired, blue-eyed” 7, 8, or 9 year old little girl... When I think about myself, now, in any capacity, I flip-flop between this image of myself, as the 7 year old innocent, puritan, blondie and the 8th grade rebel-without-a-cause that took over to sabotage the life of that little girl. The 7 year old “me” envisioned the "future Kim" as beautiful, well-liked, (let’s not forget) skinny woman who was a source of unending happiness for her parents, took care of her man and the line of chicks that follow behind (I saw myself with about 10 kids)…all by 24. When I think of that little girl, I can’t help but reflect on the ways life did not offer her what she expected, but more importantly, the ways in which I disappointed her.  I am 32, now. It has taken me until recently to discover something so impactful that it might just force to me to forgive that stupid 8th grader (with a delayed capacity to “get it together”) that seems to linger somewhere inside me.  The TRUTH is this: God was the one with the plan for me. NOT the 7 year old.  *pause and reflect*  -_- God had it all laid out. I have everything the 7 year old "me" envisioned: the husband, child, the life. I'm still working on a few things and it took me 8 years longer than expected on some...I've even had my butt handed to me...a few times! ...I just chose the “difficult” path on more than one occasion. Thought I would die, got tired, but that difficult way taught me ALOT and I can't be sad about that.